Where Infinity Begins
by Rougeness
Summary: [TRANSLATION] Sirius kissed him choleric, he asphyxiated him, squished him and bit him again. He sucked him and lick him for dear life until his lips tasted like blood. It was a punishment made of skin, anger and saliva. 13 years old boys aren't supposed to know how to kiss like that, between books and with so much darkness.
1. Re(Member)

**Re[Member]**

– Are you aware that it's weird to watch people while they're sleeping? – Remus Lupin says without opening his eyes. It isn't necessary, the smell of cigarettes is everywhere. Who else could it be?

– You aren't sleeping, Moony – answers a slow voice from in front of him.

Sirius Black is sitting on his trunk, frowning and smoking. His black hair falls with elegance like always. His eyes are fixed on the pale Remus Lupin right across the room. He sits up, and now that the blanket isn't covering him, it can be seen; a body too thin, furrowed with lines like a map, some of them dark brownish scars, others old or new wounds in different shades of red. Remus is a yellowed map, old parchment skinned, light sand haired, honey eyed. Only the merciless lines crossing him all over prevent him from becoming a pure yellow.

Sirius looks at him angrily and Remus laughs, knowing that such action will annoy him more, but even if he wanted to, he probably couldn't avoid it. With blood injected eyes, messy hair, uneven breathing, and dry blood attached to his skin, Remus smiles.

– Where is James? – he asks, Sirius raises an eyebrow with an ironic gesture and Remus understands that obviously he's training, just like every Saturday. – and Peter?

– Extra classes. I think he has a few of those today – he answers with a bit of disdain – Do you do it on purpose? Laugh like an idiot?

– You don't change Padfoot, pissed off like a 13 year old boy.

– Because you're still a fucking lunatic.

– In the most literal way, right?

Remus can see exactly how the memory somewhat depletes the boy's anger. Sirius growls in frustration, walks slowly and sits on the border of the bed with his back towards the other.

– What an idiot, Rem, you still remember that.

Remus smiles openly but Sirius can't see him. They are now 17 years old, they are adults finishing their last year in Hogwarts. They are thinking of new places to live, and not only what to do this summer but for the rest of their lives. Nevertheless, sometimes they are 13 years old. Of course Remus remembers.

It's been four years since that, since they were in third. James and Sirius were sitting in the library doing something distinctly unusual: being silent. Remus had felt a little unwell so he had said he'd get there later, and he did. But as soon as he had sat down, Sirius practically jumped out of his chair and ducked behind some shelfs. James frowned, confused, and Remus sighed slightly. Sirius had been acting very strange around him the last few weeks.

The last full moon had been especially difficult for him. Mercury was retrograde and Jupiter was quite too close; those kinds of things could affect the transfiguration. When he woke up at the nursery the next day, covered with bandages and truly hurt; Sirius was in front of him, holding the bed frame so tight that it seemed he wanted to break it into two pieces with his bare hands. His hair was messy and his clothes dirty, very unusual. "Can you remember? Can you remember what happened last night?" he asked in a guttural whisper. Remus answered with honesty but without self-pity, "Every second" he said. Sirius looked at him with so much rage that for few seconds Remus felt fear, then he left, smashing the door the hardest he could. Ever since then, Sirius had been avoiding him in every way humanly possible. Remus stood up and followed him. Sirius wasn't even pretending to be searching for a book.

– Damn, just say it. Tell me, it bothers you.

– It bothers me that you're a werewolf – Sirius said with a voice that seemed to be breaking his throat in the effort he was making not to shout the answer – It really pisses me off.

Remus knew it, and because he knew it, he foolishly thought he was ready to hear it. He believed it was going to be like a hammer smashing his head, a violent punch, and he was used to and prepared for that kind of violence. But it wasn't like that at all, it was more like being on a boat in the open sea, and there suddenly being a hole in the wood, all the water getting in, and he not even trying to fix it because there's no hope. He feels his shoes getting wet, he can see everything sinking. It was just a matter of time.

– When we went to Hogsmeade, there were some women talking, you know. About the horrifying sounds that come out of an abandoned house. They had begun to call it the shrieking shack. They think it's possessed by dangerous and violent spirits. I asked them if they heard that all the time and they said no; but when it happens it's awful. To be honest, it was about once a month, they said. Don't you think that's funny, Remus? I do, in a very unfunny way, though. Do you know what did I do last full moon? I went to Hogsmeade, I just had to hear it myself. There are ways to get there, there are always ways. Never have I FUCKING E-VER listened something as disgusting as that shit. I'm a Black, believe me, I have heard and seen things I don't want to remember, but nothing like that. I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't believe that was you.

Remus felt the water not only in his shoes, but all over. There was no boat anymore, it was quickly devoured by the sea. The only thing left was himself, drowning in salty water. There was no getting away, this wave had to come. Nobody saves monsters from shipwrecking.

– Sirius, I'm sorry..

– What the fuck are you apologizing for? Do you know what was I thinking while I was coming back? He probably can't remember. It must be like being drunk. The next day you feel like shit but you actually can't fucking remember what happened. So I went to the nursery to ask you, I had to know. "Every second." That was your answer. You can remember every fucking second. Holy shit, those must be some really long seconds. I felt they lasted forever, from fucking outside. So, yeah, I'm really pissed off. God damn it, it kills me to think about it. Why aren't you? Why aren't you pissed of with that son of a bitch that bit you? How the fuck it doesn't bother you that you have to go through that fucking nightmare every month in that shit hole? When you remember, when you think of those nights; how is it even possible that you don't hate the whole world?

Remus made a funny noise that could be laughter as easily as crying. The tide that was drowning him brought him to shore. He's was on mainland and couldn't believe it. Sirius wasn't disgusted, he was indignant and Remus could understand because for so long he had been so mad and indignant himself at carrying a burden that neither him nor anybody deserves. So he laughed, because there is at least one person in the world who understood what it felt like. He just laughed, because damn it, after all this time drifting away and even soaked wet to the very bones; he's now standing on mainland.

– Because it's just one night, Sirius. The rest of the time I'm normal, and have everything that normal people have.

Sirius growled in frustration and then kissed him. His hands were shaking in anger, the skin was still burning. He bit him, like he wanted to provoke him, to make a last useless effort in annoying him. Sirius wanted to make him feel the maddening intensity he was experiencing; which was foolish because Remus had felt it all his life long. Sirius kissed him choleric, he asphyxiated him, squished him and bit him again. He sucked him and licked him for dear life until his lips tasted like blood. It was a punishment made of skin, anger and saliva. 13 years old boys weren't supposed to know how to kiss like that, between books and with so much darkness.

– Merlin, you should take anger management classes or something – Remus said finally, cleaning off the blood that kept flowing from his bottom lip, foolishly hiding a smile with his hand.

– You're a goddamn lunatic, in the most literal way – Sirius replied, and more than accusing him, he's complimenting him. – I'll think of something

And Sirius had thought of something. At first, Remus believed he wanted to think in a way to annoy him, not to fix him. One day James sat next to him and said: "I'm kind of worried about Sirius, he's been in the library for a long time, I think something is wrong." Remus smiled and answered, "The dumbass went to Hogsmeade last full moon to know why they call the shrieking shack that, and well... he found out. Now he thinks that if he reads enough he'll fix me or something." He said this calmly, but he could feel his blood pumping faster. James carefully listened to him while jealousy and annoyance bubbled up in his expression. How didn't he think about that? And how the fuck did Sirius think he could "fix Remus or something" on his own? Nevertheless, James merely answered, "I see," took his bag, and left to the library, mumbling his mischievous thoughts.

And what a fuss he had made once he got there. Obviously, nobody understood what was the matter. "You can't let me out of this, you great ass hole. I was the one who found out, it was me!" he shouted in the middle of the library. James was never good at concealing emotions and Sirius was still mad about an unsuccessful search. It only took seconds before they were both rolling on the floor, fighting with their fists, like muggles. They caused the biggest mess seen in the library since Peeves charmed books to eat the students homework.

Madam Pince was furious. "You seem animals, animals I'm telling you. We should send you to the forest. Merlin knows that beasts mustn't be near decent people," she recriminated. The boys didn't understand the insults, for they both smiled and ran to hug her and tell her she was completely right. They danced around her and sang victory troubadour's songs. Madam Pince got so mad that she kicked them out the library for two whole months, but she thankfully forgot to give them detentions or even take points from their house.

– Merlin, what happened to you guys? – Remus asked when he saw the boys entering the room in a pathetic state. It was late night and they were both covered in bruises and had quite too little balance.

– We got it, Rem, we got the solution – Sirius said, his breath stinking of alcohol.

– Did you fight with somebody? – Remus asked completely ignoring "the solution"

– Yep, Remus, we fought each other; but don't worry, we already made peace. – James said, stupidly laughing. They were drunk.

– And then we went to Hogsmeade to celebrate; there's a lot of fun in the Hog's Head, you know. We brought you some fire whiskey but we drank it on our way back. Next time we'll buy more.

– Or you can come with us – James added – you can join us cause we like you; right, Sirius?

– Merlin's beard! You both need to bathe and go to bed – Remus said, shaking his head with disapproval.

– You see, Rem? You're like a mother to us – Sirius said, and both boys burst into an almost hysterical laughter. James stopped abruptly, invaded by nausea, and left running to the bathroom. Sirius laughed even harder before carrying on – Werewolves don't like people, but...

– Sirius, the whole castle is going to hear you!

– Werewolves don't like people, but – he stated again, whispering with an exaggerated gesture – but they like animals; don't they, Rem?

– So you have decided to behave like animals? I should let you know that when I'm a person I rather be with people.

– Exactly, we have decided to behave like animals, to BE animals in fact – Sirius said with obvious triumph.

– What?

– Animagi, we are going to be animagi. That way you'll never be alone.

– Oh, of course – Remus said with warm voice, just like you answer a three year old child who says he wants to be first Minister of Magic. – Come here, mate. Let's take you to bed,

– I don't think I'm ready for that – Sirius said laughing at his own joke – I like the way this feels, everything is spinning around, Rem, It's really fun.

– You won't find it funny tomorrow.

– I'm going to be a grim, a big black dog and James chose something pathetic like a goat, I think. Aren't you glad, Rem? We'll always be together.

– Of course I'm glad – he answered, even if this was a dumb idea of irresponsible drunk boys, Remus couldn't help but feel tickles in his stomach – I'll make sure James is all right, ok?

And now they're 17 years old, they're still irresponsible kids who often end up drunk; but they are animagi and Moony is never alone. Remus wonders how he made this. How did he achieve the transition from the biggest outcast that had ever lived to the owner of the world? There weren't any rules or limits that affected him anymore. He went from locking himself in the bathroom to cry, to venturing in the forbidden forest, marauding every corner of the castle and breaking absolutely all Hogwarts rules at least twice. Remus laughs because he hasn't been alone again, not until last night.

– Was it too bad? – Sirius asked, even though there was no need. Evidence was everywhere. Remus had open wounds all over. He was dangerously pale, his hands slightly shaking. He seemed exhausted.

– Just like old times – he said calmly, and those words sent a shiver through Sirius' spine. He growled in frustration, because he really didn't want to do that, not in front of him. – what happened?

– McGonagall caught us when we were on our way. She fucking knew we were up to something, because she kept us all night cleaning trophies. James is so pissed off, I think today's Quidditch practice should be very intense.

– I figured something like that – Remus said serenely – I think you'll be glad to know I was also very mad – he continued and Sirius turned around immediately to look at him, frowning with a questioning look. – I mean, not at first; but then – Remus carried on, and Sirius understood completely what he meant by "then" – I was furious that you guys weren't there, the most human thought I had ever had. Ṕadfoot, I could remember you.

Surprising Sirius Black wasn't an easy task, but once he was surprised he couldn't possibly hide it. His eyes grew wide and he froze for a bit. Then his expression softened and he smiled. He got closer and closer until he kissed Remus, for once, very carefully. Hands in the air because it seemed like there wasn't any place he could hold without hurting him. "I'm sorry" he sighed into his yellow mouth. He caressed him with his tongue; it tasted like tobacco and coffee, it had had that flavor for years by now. An apology made of smoke, saliva and sorrow. 17 years old men are not supposed to kiss like that, between sheets and without even holding hands. Some things do change.


	2. Super(Nova)

**Super[Nova]**

According to Sirius Black, ever since Lily Evans finally, after two years of pleading, goes out with James Potter, she begins to do the most annoying thing. Tries to be nice to them. Well, she had already been nice to Remus, because they were both Gryffindor's prefects. It wasn't very hard to be nice to Peter either, the poor boy didn't have any standards. So, that only left Sirius and a crazy redheaded girl who thought that because she went out with his best friend, she must be also his friend. He can't stand her. He almost needs to bite his tongue to refrain from hexing her. Sirius took a stand: Not to reply under any circumstance with anything but growls or indifferent gestures. Sometimes sacrifices must be made. Sirius can do it for James. It's almost unbelievable that somebody can be that deep in love like James is, but shit happens. Poor bastard.

"How are you, Black?" _What the fuck do you care?_** Silence.**

"Did you finish the potions essay?" I_ won't even start to do that shit, I'm gonna copy it from James who is gonna copy it from you._ **Silence.**

"You seem tired." _Well, try not sleeping for 48 hours and drink 12 butterbeers so we can talk about tiredness._ **Silence**

"Do you want chocolate?" _If I wanted chocolate I would go to Moony, I wouldn't even need to ask._ **Silence**.

"Do you think James would like this?" _That bastard might actually like that piece of shit just because you gave it to him._ **Silence.**

"What a nice day!" _Fuck's sake, you're so damn annoying._** Silence**

But there are two things that can't be said to Sirius Black. Two things that guarantee an unwanted visit to the nursery. James Potter himself wouldn't ever speak such blasphemy, not even in the sickest joke. Peter Pettigrew would shit his pants only by thinking those words. And Remus Lupin wouldn't dare, not again. The first one is: "Worthy of a Black" or any other direct reference of Sirius' semblance with his family. And the other one:

– Are you okay, Black?

Just like Lily asks at dinner. Remus leaves his fork hanging in the air, Peter chokes on a meatball and James makes an undeniable panicked face, knowing that two of his favorite people in the world are going to try to kill each other very soon. Lily looks around, apprehensive, without understanding of the sudden silence. Sirius growls and looks at her with a desire to assassinate her so intense that she moves a little closer to James, guided only by instinct.

– What do you mean, Evans?

Lily might not know it, but that answer is probably the most mature thing that Sirius has ever said. Peter's jaw is quite literally hanging. Remus smiles like he just found a Honeydukes golden ticket. James is seriously considering buying a new broomstick for Sirius. It seems like he just earned it. Lily understands nothing.

– Well, I saw you coming out of McGonagall office this morning, and you were quite... I mean, It was a bit of a fuss – what she actually meant with was: "It was a hell of a fuss that half of the castle is still talking about" – the last time that happened was a disaster, wasn't it?

For Merlin's sake, if she did these things on purpose, she couldn't have possibly made them any better. Lily had just approached the second sensitive issue. Last time Sirius made "a bit of a fuss" was when she tried to talk about Sirius' family issues. Lily, of course, doesn't know that. James understands what Sirius is thinking when he looks at him: "Damn, Prongs, I fucking tried, you know I did". So he snorts loudly; compassion is something that Sirius practices only behind closed doors, like many other things.

– I'm gonna answer to you, Evans. In honor of James, I'll even be polite. I was in McGonagall's office, and if you stalked me properly, you would have noticed that Regulus was also there, because she was notifying us...

– Sirius, stop. – Remus says. He had asked about it in Ancient Runes class. "Padfoot, rumour has it that McGonagall's shouts could be heard all over the castle. Must have been a good fuck" he had said, and Sirius only denied with a shake of his head. He did not say or do anything else. Evidently it was a serious matter, so he didn't insist. It wasn't meant to be discussed in whispers between class, but drinking fire whiskey behind closed doors. And by the scrupulous silence that had remained all day, it looked like it was going to be a lot of whiskey.

What does Lily know about anything? She thinks Remus is protecting her, interceding for her, when he is doing the opposite. Sirius is two seconds from talking like a Black, half an hour from hating himself for it, three hours from serious poisoning due alcohol intake, and five hours from a huge fight with James. A day from blowing something up, a day and a half from a three weeks detention. A month from sitting on his bed and whispering, "Make him forgive me, please, make James forgive me." Sirius Black, the incandescent star, always two seconds from the abyss.

– She wants to know how I am, Remus. I don't think she'll be more affected by it than me. So, where was I? Oh, yeah... McGonagall was notifying us that my father is dying in St. Mungo's and probably will not survive the night. – Sirius says with a rough voice that gets stunned with a wall of heavy quiet. As if all the great hall had suddenly been silenced.

– Black, I'm very sorry... – Lily rushes to say, all blushed and with a little shaking voice.

– I have not finished yet, Evans. Along with the news came a letter from my mother, adorable as usual. Warning me not to dare to set foot there, demanding me not to disgrace the death of my father with my disgusting presence. Evans, I'll never go and my mother knows it. She wrote that letter for the pleasure of telling me that my presence is disgusting, my companies regrettable and monstrous. In a word, that I am an abomination and my traitor blood will end up burning me to death from within, slowly and painfully. Do you understand what I'm saying, Evans? With her husband dying two feet from her, she wrote a letter for the pleasure of fucking my existence. Are you satisfied? Now that you know, Evans, are you satisfied?

– I just...

– You just want to be my friend, don't you? Well, don't you have any encouraging comments or something? It seems like this is your chance. Nothing? What a shame! Now listen, we're not friends, and most probably we'll never be. It's not your problem how I am or how I am not, so do not ask me again; because you do not want to know anyway. Is that clear?

– As water.

– Who made you believe that the water is always clear? - He nearly spits out the words before standing up and walking away. He leaves the others in a suffocating silence that makes their skin crawl.

Half an hour later, Sirius Black is in his "tantrum room", as James calls it. A little hidden room where he usually goes to hate himself and others, where he waits for Remus; because Remus always comes around. But this is no common tantrum. He didn't do anything stupid. It wasn't a childish outburst. This time Sirius is hiding because he doesn't know what to do. Remus goes anyway, he's there even when Sirius doesn't deserve it, so most definitely he'll be there when he's needed.

– For being a dog, you like being chased too much; don't you think?

– For being a wolf, you're shamefully peaceful.

– Well, you know what is said, it is best to win without fighting.

– I bet losers say that.

– And yet, you didn't hex Evans.

– Ehm... about that, is James mad?

– Terribly mad. Completely offended that you told Lily before you told him. Also, I'm sorry to inform you that Lily finds you adorable, she wants to hug you and tell you how strong and brave you are.

– Are you fucking kidding me? She's really fucked up. Like she should go see a doctor or something – he answers, offering a cigarette to Remus and pretending to be annoyed when he's obviously relieved.

– What did you expect? She goes out with Prongs. – He answers, taking a cigarette and lighting it up. Sirius snorts, a bit amused, denying it with his head.

– I'm glad, Rem. My father is agonizing and I'm glad about it – he says gravely. He doesn't know what to do. He would like not to feel anything. And yet, he's glad. Even if he does feel shame and guilt to acknowledge it, he's indeed glad. Damn, he hates him, his father. He hates him with a trembling pain that is reaching his fingertips. Fuck, he just hates himself.

– We can go, Sirius – Remus says after a long silence with his usual calmed, yellow voice, the cigarette still hanging in his lips – We can go to disgrace his death, like anybody has ever disgraced an agony – He carries on and plays again with the smoke between his long hands – We can fuck Mrs. Black very existence, actually, we can show her how it's done. If you want to, Sirius.

Ladies and gentlemen, Remus Lupin. Most beloved prefect among first year students, perfectly educated and responsible classmate, such a good example. But dear ladies and respected gentlemen, you have been scammed. The real Remus Lupin is this fellow, who casually offers, "If you want to, Sirius." and that can be anything at all. He talks fluently and unperturbed about issues that most people would feel remorse to think about. Lupin the werewolf. Yellowy calmed eyes, forever unsurprised. His ferocity is rather soft, but determinate, frightening. "If you want to, Sirius." he says, and limits disappear. It's hard to believe that so many people take him for a coward, a lame wormbook, a plain dead rubber. But then again, they have never heard him say, "If you want to, Sirius." in scandalous yellow with the absolute intention of stopping time. Sirius feels like biting him, just because he most certainly deserves to be bitten.

Then he violently pushes Remus against the wall, corralling him; and he doesn't seem surprised. He's just there with a yellow gaze he can hold until the end of time. He's not waiting for something to happen. He's there in the present; full of scars drawing lines in a map leading to the place where existence expires. Sirius must wander off through all those trails, infinitely. "You're a fucking bastard, did you know that?" he asks against his ear with a guttural voice, almost a bark. Maybe he knows, maybe that deep moan means he does. Sirius bites him; after all, he deserves it for being a yellow bastard.

– I don't want to – he whispers, warming up Remus' yellow neck with his breath – I don't want to go, I don't want to see them, I don't want to, I don't want to – he carries on, repeating himself like he's chanting a mantra as he travels through that skin road to the end of the world. This scar so long that it goes on forever, this scar is the way.

– That's odd – Remus answers, gasping for air. He's between the cold stone wall and Sirius' burning flesh. The flame of the incandescent star, it's not only burning him, but blinding him. If he must die, it should be this way; incinerated by the brightest star in the sky. – That's odd, because a Black would like to go. – He says, and immediately Sirius stops. For two seconds the star froze.

– And that makes me... – he replies questioningly, gelid. His gray eyes looking intendedly. He's still too close, his hand keeps burning Remus.

– It makes you Sirius, the dog star

– The stars look fine from afar, Moony. But they end up destroying everything close enough to them.

– I know. I have always known.

An almost violent shiver shakes him. Remus Lupin is not afraid that his light will end up devouring him entirely. He'll stay around as long as Sirius agrees to follow that scar to the end of the world; that thin line in the infinite yellow map.


	3. In(Coherence)

**IN.(Coherencia)**

It was Saturday morning, The full moon was the night before. It was a sunny day, all the castle was invaded by the happy exited noise of a Hogsmade trip. Remus Lupin thought it was the worst day of his life and would had like to die, thank you very much. But maybe that was unfair, he should live long just to remember this over the years. Remember how Sirius Black was agonizing in front of him, because of him. There was no way to describe what he felt. The only thing he could say was that he was wrong. All this time he had been wrong. The transfiguration wasn't that painful after all, not as bad as this.

He thought there was no way to articulate such a horrifying view, but then again, he was wrong. Lily Evans did it. It was mostly an harmony of hysteric screams. She was going with James to Hogsmeade and he was running late so she went to find him in his room, and she did. James would've tried to calmed her down, or would've been mad with Peter beyond words for leaving the door unlock when he went away because he couldn't stand such a red spectacle. Nevertheless, James remained still, with his hands all cover in blood, looking lost. He had never felt this before, impotence, no like this. He kept thinking Lily's eloquence was perfect. She was always perfect.

"He has to be taken to the nursery" she said after a while, when words came back to his mouth. James answered severely. "No" he said with a voice he never spoke, a desperate one. Remus just remained being yellow, like sand scattered all over the floor, keeping silence. "If you don't do it, you are killing him" Lily said, talking only to James, like Remus wasn't even there, and his voice meant nothing. "And if I do, I'm sending him to Azkaban" he replied with a broken voice, he wanted to cry more than he wanted to breath. Lily didn't understand. She never understands.

She walked forward slowly, reaching Sirius' bed. He was lying backwards. Her roommates always spoke about how much they would like to just eat him, that they dreamed about biting him. Oh, how delicious that must me. She felt guilty to think about that because it looked like something, big and savage, indeed tried to eat him. There was just too much skin missing. Fuck, it just seemed like flesh was riped out of him bite by bite. On one of his sides, the whitish lines of his bone ribs could be seen. It was painful to watch.

Three seconds, half an hour, ten eternities. She didn't know, but finally she put the puzzle together. This marks were unmistakable made by a werewolf, but there wasn't any sing of transfiguration. First months there would be hair all over, claws instead of nails, that sort of things. Then, how could this be? And what did anything had to do with Azkaban? Three seconds, half an hour, ten eternities. He was an animagus, an illegal one.

Then she looked at Remus, with terrible understanding. There was a questioning dancing in her mouth but she said nothing. "It was you, wasn't it?" She was thinking. Remus nodded anyway, like he just heard a death sentence. There was only silence. Lily didn't know what or who to feel for. She took a deep breath.

– When... when you.. when you were bitten before. What did you do? – she made herself ask, assuming, of course, that if Black was an animagus, so was James.

– Never, not that much – James answered without much sense. He was dizzy about the fact that Lily knew. She knew and she was behaving so atypically calmed

– But my question is, how this wounds responds once you're human again? – she said looking at Sirius closely. He had fever, too much fever.

The whole castle knew Lily Evans was going to be a Healer, as sure as James Potter was going to play professional quidditch. It was just common sense. Ever since third she had been taking magic medicine instead of divination, with the four of them. But she didn't do it to skip a visit to the nursery after some mischievous doing. Lily came to Hogwarts to take that class and she was fantastic at it.

– They heal with time just like any other wound, but they are not susceptible to magic.

– This ones are too big to wait. They are gonna get infected, I guess they must be sewed

– They must be what?

– They must be sewed, like muggles do. And fast, otherwise infection will spread.

– Muggles sew people? What do you mean? – He asked again, utterly confused.

– There is no time to talk about this. I'm gonna need morphine, James.

Oh, of course. Morphine was the reason Sirius wasn't screaming in pain but sleeping like she wasn't laking half of his back. If she wouldn't had been squishing her brain with horrific deductions she would had notice that. Obviously, illegal animagi didn't feel any remorse by keeping a level 5 drugs inventory in their trunks. What she thought it was going to be the biggest problem, wasn't a problem at all.

– Black. – She said softly, waking him up with a charm.

– Fuck, what the hell are you doing here? You're a damn plague – he answered with a voice too similar to his regular one. A little bit more hoarse maybe. His eyes he kept firmly closed.

– I'm gonna explain how you can survive and not go to Azkaban. All right?

– Spare it. I'm in, just do it – he replied with shaking lips, his eyes still closed.

– Ok, but you have to know...

– I do know, Evans. It's gonna be painful and illegal, and you shouldn't do it, and it might not work and all that shit. Am I right?

– Pretty much

– Then just fucking do it

– You're so bra...

– Don't go all cheesy on me, Evans, you have James for that. I still don't like you

– I don't like you either. You walk around so full of yourself, but you're an idiot. Playing the hero it's not gonna work this time – Lily said and she could swear she saw him smiled for a moment – Anyway, James and I are going to get some stuffs that I need. You'll stay with Remus for a while, don't let him kill you...

Sirius had been trying so hard not to move at all, he hadn't even opened his eyes in an effort to not feel pain. But when he heard that last part, his eyes grew open with the fury of a kraken, he took her arm so shocking quickly.

– It wasn't his fault, if you ever say that again, I swear you'll regret it – Sirius said, and his voice wasn't like his regular one anymore. It hurt to listen to him.

Lily thought that all this was too much for her to humanly stand. Maybe what surprised her the most was the fact that Sirius Black could be frightening even when he could barely move. Maybe it was that James would assume his best friend death before letting him go to Azkaban. Maybe it was the obvious, that there was a werewolf in Hogwarts and those boys actually were animagi, such a hard achievement for way better wizards than them. But no, what surprised her the most was that sharp, steel gray look that Sirius gave her when he said "It wasn't his fault". Lily is certain that that if he could had, he really would had attacked her. Somehow she felt some affection over him for that.

– Don't go all cheesy on me, Black – She finally answered and Sirius laughed at it the best he could. Then he just crumbled back in the bed, exhausted, and replied nothing.

Lily cleaned the wounds as carefully as she could and cover them, then she went away with James. It took the best of her not to smile, while doing so, because Black would just not resign his alfa male posture for anything in the world. He kept trying to pretend it didn't hurt that bad. He was very brave, she gives him that. Sirius heard the door closing and Remus slow steps, dragging towards him. Until he felt the mattress going down a bit next to him.

– Forgive me, Sirius. Please, forgive me – He begged with a drowned whisper, breaking the deadly silence. He was on his knees, the elbows in the bed, it looked like he was praying

– It's stupid to be mad at the fucking rain, or something – Sirius replied, wanting to sound calmer, but shit, he's starting to wish he would die.

– It's not the same, god damn it , it not the same at all – he said and only the mention of rain made him rain himself. A yellow rain, warm and salty. It was coming out of his eyes but the source was way deeper.

– You're right. I did it on purpose – he admitted with a hurt voice he could no longer contain. Remus looked at him angry about such a stupid comment. He wished Sirius to be ok, just so he could punch him. Sirius laughed, it was funny and Remus deserve to know how it felt like.

– Don't you laugh!

– You see now? How fucked up is to laugh

– Asshole

– it's not you fault Rem, it really isn't

Sirius wished he wasn't in so much pain, so his voice could sound more convincing. He wished moving wouldn't be such a tormenting hell, so he could reach him. He would had liked to taste the yellow rain. Then Remus sinked his hands in Sirius' messy hair, moving his fingers softly in yellow, circular, warm patterns, like little suns. Sirius would have troubles to decide what he likes best, those suns of his or the deep moan Remus makes when that eternally long scar is slowly licked. Damn, he wanted to kiss him so badly he almost felt nauseas. Sirius remained still, focusing all his thoughts in that tiny sun constellation.

"It's not the same" Remus thought. It was completely different, and Sirius shouldn't use his own damn word against him, not like that, not now. He knew exactly what he meant. He was talking about that time in 5th when Sirius told Snape how to go under the wimping willow. They had never spoke again about that. Never since the day of the rain.

Remus didn't noticed it happened at all. James got Snape out of the shrieking shack so fast that the greasy boy only saw an atrocious tail. The werewolf never knew. Nevertheless, that was enough to prove the existence of the monster. Snape went running to Dumbledore. A foolish move, tho. The headmaster prohibited him to tell anybody or he would get expelled aswell. The greasy little Snape was out of himself in rage, but so was James.

When Remus stepped in the room the next morning, a little bit more hurt and confused than usual, the silence was venomous. Sirius had swollen lips and a black eye. If not by the ridiculous of the thought, Remus would had believed James was responsible for it. His hands were red and puffed, yet his face was untouched. The two of them regularly fought, Remus thought, but they never went that far. Besides, the result was always more even. "What the hell?" he said knowing too well that none joy was going to come from hearing them. Sirius closed his eyes like he had just touched something burning.

– Let's go Pete, Sirius has things to say to Remus – James said and Peter followed obediently, as always. They were left alone.

– What happened? Is everything all right?

– No. Well, actually it is. – Sirius kind of answered. He wanted to jump out of the window more than he wanted to speak – I mean, everything is all right now, but it could have been really bad.

– What did you do, Sirius?

– I'm so sorry, Monny. I swear, I am. I just didn't think... Remus, forgive me.

– Now you're really scaring me.

– I... I... I told Snape how to go under the wimping willow. – Sirius started to say too fast, overlapping his own words. He was rushing to say everything he thought Remus would like to know. – James stopped him before anything happened, but, well he was close enough to see what was going on. He's all right, tho. Dumbledore prohibited him to say anything about it. Nobody knows, you're not expelled, not don't even have detentions.

– Is that it? – Remus said in a cold tone that not even himself knew he could achieve. Bubbling anger was spreading all the way through his system. A wave of hatred invading him, blinding and drowning him. How could he? of all the people, how could he? The idea of biting somebody made him nauseated. The burden he carries he doesn't wish to anyone, not even Snape. Fuck's sake, Sirius knew that. Sirius knew he would rather die than make somebody else a werewolf, and yet...

– Remus, please. – he begged. He knew how to deal with punishment. Dumbledore gave him three months of detentions, James used him like a boxing bag. Sirius had endured this just fine but he had not idea what do now. He wanted to be shout at, he wanted to be told he was a fucking selfish bastard. Only that Remus would handle it just like he handles everything else. With well chosen words. Sirius knew that. Sirius feared that.

– I imagine you couldn't help yourself. That's what you are, isn't it? It's in your blood – Remus said softly, with such a precise intention. It felt unreal. Then he left without even bothering himself in closing the door. Sirius Black wasn't aware he could feel unreal pain.

But just like any other time, after a fight, no matter right or reasons, Remus always came around. When he finally went to the windowless tantrum room, Sirius had been there for three days in a row. The damn idiot hadn't eaten, taken a shower or even gotten off that fucking couch. The air was thick with the smell of cigarettes and fire whiskey. The shady place fitted so well with Sirius dark mood.

– Are you hiding? You do know we have a map, don't you? – Remus said with his yellow voice lighting the windowless dark room.

– Nobody is looking for me, Lupin – his voice was hoarse after too many cigarettes. He kept staring the celling.

– Oh, is this the way you want it? Do you prefer me to call you Black, huh?

– That's what I am.

– Damn, don't do this. You know it's me who has to be mad.

– I do know. What I don't know it's what the fuck are you doing here. You were right, I'm a fucking son of a bitch. Speaking of that, my mother would be so proud of me. I should go back home, don't you think? – He said stubbornly looking at the celling. Remus denies with his head slowly, fuck's sake, he's the one that should be upset. Besides, he had seldom seen Sirius behaving less like a Black than this.

– Don't fucking put words in my mouth. I did not say any of that.

– All the same, so you didn't, what difference does it make? It's true, isn't it? Just go away – he answered bitterly and Remus covered his face with both hands in a gesture of frustration.

– For Merlin's sake! You know that's not true. I forgive you, all right? Let's just pass the page. We should go to eat something, don't you think?

– Go away, Lupin!

– What the fuck do you want? I apologize, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Just stop this madness.

– I want you to go AWAY!

– What an dickhead you are – Remus said, for once in rage, getting close and forcing Sirius to look at him – How the fuck can you say you're a damn Black when all you do is whine like a baby about Snape? Who by the way is completely fine

And Sirius saw him so yellow, light sand haired, old parchment skin, honey eyed. He smelled like chocolate, he always smells a little like chocolate. "Rem, please, just go" he pleaded but It was too late, his voice sounded funny, his vision got blurry. Then Remus did something odd, he hugged him. They had kissed and bitten each other, they had licked and sucked their fleshes over and over. They had been so close that sometimes the yellow map expanded its limits, and by then Sirius smelled a little like chocolate and Remus breathed out fire whiskey. They had leaded frenetic searches of pleasure in slow motion. Sirius had hold him seconds before the transfiguration when breathing is torture. Remus had caressed him playfully when he's an adorable dog. But they just had never hugged each other before.

Sirius put his forehead in the yellow shoulder, he was using absolutely all his strength to not release the quiet tears that are blurring his sight. "Moony, I don't want to be a Black, I don't want to" he said with a shivering voice, holding him so hard he was hurting him. Remus understood with the violence of a thunder that was fear, what Sirius felt was not remorse but fear. Bigger that hatred, anger, regrets or disbelieve, bigger than Sirius himself. The fear of becoming what he hated the most was threatening to drive him mad.

– You're not, Padfoot – Remus answered softly, sinking his hand in Sirius' messy black hair – I assure you, you're not

And his hands did soft movements between his hair. Warm, circular, yellow, like little suns. Sirius would have preferred Remus to beaten him until all his bones were broken, that would have felt better. So he wouldn't seem so useless compared to the master of self control, he who would make suns for the guy that almost ruined his life. The shinning supernova is always to seconds away from becoming a blackhole and destroy everything around him. Remus gave him suns, but Sirius couldn't even contain temptations so dark that he shouldn't even feel them in the first place. Sirius Black is his own burning hell, he can defeat anyone but so often needs to be saved of himself

– Say that you don't hate me, swear it, Remus – he pleads and there is no way back, his voice is broken, and the yellow shoulder is flooding

– I solemnly swear I don't hate you – he says calmly, with that voice of his, soft like butter.

– Why? Why the fuck you don't hate me? – He asked raising his face, like an ambush. Remus looked at him like that for the first time, with red eyes and wet cheeks.

No even naked and on his knees, has ever Sirius Black been more vulnerable that then. Remus barely laughs, a wicked little smile, his yellow eyes shining somewhat mischievous. He holds Sirius face, grasping aggressively. One would think that a hand so soft and warm couldn't possible hold anything with such greed. He gets near him, slowly, like he was going to tell him a secret. His yellow breath burns. He knows Sirius is shaking in fear, just like he had shaken himself. He licks him. From the jaw line to the very source of the tears. So rigorously slow, he drinks the salty water that can cure the thirst. "Because it makes no sense to hate the rain" he explains with a husky voice, before he carries on satisfying his dryness. "Not even the rain that soaks you until the very bones"

Then Remus kissed him, so he would taste how salty he was. So he would shiver for a different reason without forgetting the original ones. Not even at 13, Sirius ever kissed as bad as that moment. Making his lose control was a bittersweet victory, Remus thought. "I can't hate you, Padfoot, but I can punish you" the offer is bright yellow, it sounded warm like a little sun. "huh-uh" It's all the reply he got. Sirius wanted to say "Yes, all right, do that, give me fucking absolution, Remus Lupin" yet the only thing that came out of his mouth was an "huh-uh" that tasted like whiskey and tobacco. The surrender was complete, because it was as unwilling as it was desired.

"Will you do as I say?" Remus asks undoing Sirius' belt somewhat violent. And that fucking hand slips into his crotch, yellow like butter, melting all over it. That nodding gesture could mean yes but also could mean go on. Remus' yellow hand keeps spreading the yellow like butter in a crispy toast. "Answer to me. Will you do as I say?" And those fingertips, that knows how to create suns, move with an impossible rhythm. There is no way to know what are they going to do next. It's an endless performance of unachievable patterns. "Huh-uh, whatever you want" Remus laughs lightly and Sirius understands that this was never meant to end the way he was hoping. "Eat a sandwich or something, dickhead" Remus said softly before one last little wet kiss. Then he just left, leaving him profoundly dissatisfied but also surrounded of tingling yellow suns.

But this time it's not the same. It's neither not the same rain nor the same suns. The dissatisfaction is different. He's not two seconds from the abyss anymore. Sirius Black is falling free.

And if something can obscure the picture, if there is a way to get more gloomy, closer to suicide thoughts. They are always memories. Because Remus Lupin can remember every second. He can remember with the sharpness he's now looking the fainting supernova.

They were in the forest, the wolf, the dog, the stag. If you look closely there is a rat too. Nothing out of the usual, they hadn't decided to do something stupid and dangerous. They would go into the forest in search the wonderland tree, whose shade produces hallucinations of the craziest universes. They had done it before, the road was long but it was worth it. And then, a moment of awful silence. There were people, there were kids in the woods and were close. They could smell and hear them, kids were not far away.

Instinct, a terrible force that was not him, but the moon, launches into a riotous race to hunt . They attempt to stop him, but although they're very strong, he's it is faster. He reach them, kids were very close. From the eyes of beasts, they were so small, weak, eatable. They were terrified, lost, helpless, raising their wands like they could do something to prevent disaster. The dog stands between them, makes a sign, a grunt, something mostly telepathic and the stag understood. They are made of the same, two branches of the same tree, they read each other in a way that wolf doesn't understand, or by any means would try to imitate. The stag takes the children out of the forest, guiding them. But the dog left alone against an angry werewolf.

Great as a bear, fierce like a panther. It's not enough. It's not the same damn rain. This is a river that remembers. The sound of flesh as is torn. The roar of pain. He was killing him. The pleading look, so gray, so fucking gray as always. The blood, so much warm blood. The most atrocious and absolute determination refusal to let him pass. An inhuman stubbornness, as wild as himself. And finally a howl. Thanks Merlin for Peter, Remus thinks. Peter went away as fast as he could in a rat skin before returning to its original shape, to attract the werewolf with a howl . When the beast approached the rat disappeared into the bushes. James had to find a horrible surprise when he returned . Remus didn't have any idea how he carried Sirius to the room, but he isn't surprised, Prongs has managed things way more difficult.

Fuck's sake, It was not the same. On his knees, with the elbows in the bed, he looked like he was praying. He would do it, if he had some faith left, if he could at least hope that it would work. But he didn't. He had prayed for years. He had pleaded over and over "Please, don't make me go through his, please, I beg you. I don't want to be werewolf. I'll be a good boy, I swear" He had done that until his throat hurt. So he knew it just didn't work. Remus could only watch and wait. He saw Sirius in pain, with shivering fever, broken while doing nothing. He only waited, rained and rained

– Moony don't leave me – he asked in a shaking little voice, he was soaking in sweat, shivering of cold.

– I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here – he answered as soft as butter, with a river of yellow rain ready to flood the world.

– No, I meant... Monny don't start with all that existential shit, thinking you're too dangerous and that crap. Don't leave me, because of this.

– Sirius, look what I did. You can't say that I'm not...

– Just swear it, swear you're not leaving me, Rem

– I can't

– Fuck, I'm begging you, please.

But he really couldn't. Remus remembered every second. The longest seconds of his life. There weren't any suns left, and the yellow is fading down.

* * *

_I really apologize for the grammar mistakes. I'm trying my best. I need a beta, tho._


End file.
